Archive for the personality Category

Random amusement… yet oddly appropriate…

Posted in funny, personality, randomness with tags , , , on July 11, 2008 by Phil Alcorn

I’m aware I haven’t posted in a while… It isn’t that there hasn’t been blogworthy news, quite the opposite in fact… it’s just that I’m not really sure what to say about it all…

There is, however, another post on the way. In the meantime though, this was todays edition of a webcomic I’m kinda partial to… I found it oddly relevant to my own life…

Now, as for me, is my body clock east or west of where I live???

Now, as for me, is my body clock east or west of where I live???

new beginning…

Posted in blog, christianity, personality on March 13, 2008 by Phil Alcorn

New look… new post… new name… renewed focus……..

I don’t like the way my blogs have been becoming lately. So I’m making a fresh start… thankful for and learning from the past, and setting off once more. Lots has been changing lately. I’m coming to an end of my year on CU committee… it has been a fantastic experience, full of struggles and joys, challenges and banter… I’m really going to miss it. But, time moves on, and my time there is done. I am thankful for what has been, and will continue to learn from it for a long time to come, I’m sure. And new challenges wait ahead – currently I’m set to get more involved with Exodus (a discipleship and evangelistic organisation here in Northern Ireland) in heading up their visuals team at the new centre in Lisburn.

Really stopping to look back on it, I’m actually amazed at how much has changed over the past year. I never, ever thought I would be where I am now, with the experiences I now have. Man, I never even thought I would be 2 days away from setting off to work for two weeks in a country where Islam is the main religion! But here I am, about to head off to Morocco on Saturday with an organisation called Frontiers…

All of this has got me thinking, and I apologise if this seems disjointed (as all my posts lately seem to have been), about my faith. Just last night, a friend texted me to ask what my faith meant to me, how it was evidenced in my daily life. Seemingly they too have been soul searching, and their question spurred my thoughts onward. You see, lately, in thinking about who I am, what I have done, what I have seen, my faith… I seem to be moving from a place of reasoning and structured theology to a place of love, and (more plainly at this particular moment) of hope. Or maybe that’s not a fair comment to make… I still love discussion and the hashing out of theological ideas and theories, the striving to find answers to the hard questions… but lately, although still present, all that seems to have taken a back seat to issues of (for want of a more coherant phrase) hope. You see, in answering my friend’s question to me, I realised that my faith essentially boils down to three things. I have faith in God; that He exists, cares for me, and is working His will in my life. I have faith in Jesus; that He died for me, and is now risen and at the right hand of God, interceeding on my behalf. I have faith in the Spirit; as my friend and guide, nudging me always to face the right direction. I love those around me (or, at least, I try to – often I fail), I love my friends dearly, as I do my family. I try my best to love my enemies, and try my best to love myself. And, most aptly at this time in my life, I have a hope. I have a hope that God counts me as having worth, despite who I am and what I have done. I have hope that I am able to do GOOD while I am here. I have hope that God forgives me what I have done wrong. And I have hope that all I see in this world is not all that there is…

If I were more awake, I would look at that last paragraph and try to make it sound more coherent. But, once again, I find myself tired yet awake at around 4am. So I think I will conclude…

New look, new name. Renewed focus. Hope – I feel I have been led here. Certainly one or two of my more recent posts have been heading in this direction. My faith, at this time, is about hope. Hope and love, and striving after both.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.

same old questions…

Posted in blog, confused, personality, randomness on January 13, 2008 by Phil Alcorn

It’s a curious thing, a blog. I’m fairly certain I’ve written about the following before, but again I find the issue pressing on my mind… just how much can I truely write about here? The thoughts in my head, the feelings in my heart, the issues pressing on me, how much can I safely talk about while still knowing that what I write, others will read. Sometimes I wish to empty myself onto these ‘pages’, just to release what is built up inside me, and other times I find myself with nothing to say. And all the while, that voice sounds in the back of my head ‘are you sure thats ok for the eyes of others?’

You see, the heart, the mind… they’re complex things. Oh, how I long to write and write and write and empty myself… Why can’t we live in an honest world? A world where everything is out in the open, everyone wears their heart on their sleeve, there are no secrets, no cover ups, no censorship…

But, thinking about that, it seems that those times left along with our right to live in Eden. It is interesting though, this train of thought… it has brought me back, once again, to a subject that has often pressed on my mind when writing posts. What is this blog for? I always like to think it is for me to simply ‘verbilize’ some of my thoughts, musings and feelings… a personal space to think, so to speak. But is that all it is? Am I really so naive as to think I am immune to the whole ‘visit my blog and make me feel special’ mentality? It’s true, when people leave me comments, when I know people are looking at my thoughts, it pleases me. I don’t know why… blown up self-importance I guess. But it’s a double-edged sword… the more I know other people read this, the restricted I feel in revealing my inner self. Indeed, I’ve even been warned against it in the past, by some of my friends, and indeed some readers…But come now, is even that thought in itself a blown up sense of self-importance? Do as many people actually read as I think? I know I have a ‘blog stalker’ or two (hey sophie… haha!) but is that it?

So what to do? I crave honesty, I want to be able, I NEED to be able to be honest… but do I need to do it here? Indeed, is it sensible? And are some things best left unsaid? I don’t know… and again the cycle renews itself in my mind.

For tonight, I will contain myself. But I feel sure there will be a spilling out soon…

About me…

Posted in confused, personality on November 21, 2007 by Phil Alcorn

This is NOT a self-pity post, though I have a feeling it may end up sounding like it…

There are aspects of myself that I am sick and tired of. There are aspects of myself that I just plain hate. I am a weak guy, easily deceived, easily discouraged, lazy, unmotivated… at least, thats how I feel right now… And the problem is, I hate feeling like this. And I hate the fact that I have all these characteristics in me. And what I hate, above all else, is that I don’t know how to go about trying to change them.

Everyone strives to become a better person, I think. Everyone wants to better themselves, wants to get rid of those undesirable features of themselves, those bad habits. I’m a person, and I want to get rid of that which hinders me. I want to throw it off, so it doesn’t entangle me. But every time I feel I am getting somewhere, something pulls me right back down…

I was talking to a good friend a few nights ago on msn, and he asked me what was bothering me. I told him I wished I could see the absolute truth, the absolute truth of who I was… I’m not a very confident person. Don’t get me wrong, in front of people, in a group, with friends, with people I have never met before in my life, I have all the confidence I need and more. I have no problem jumping up and making a fool of myself in front of people… but when it comes down to it, when I’m on my own, I’m not very confident about myself. I just feel… useless, sometimes… and I often wish I could see how other people truely see me, ‘warts and all’ as they say.

Of course, the problem there is then that when you tell people this, if they are trying to make you ‘feel better’ they go overboard on the niceties, they tell you all the ‘good things they see in you’. Fair enough, it can be nice to hear… but its a rather biased collection of statements. It rather hear the TRUTH most of the time – good AND bad, encouragement and constructive criticism. That way, I can see how my own insecurities tie in with other peoples perceptions…

I’m not really sure why I typed all this. I’ve been warned a few times from various people about exposing too much of my inner self on this blog… but this is who I am. And I guess I had to type it out here to really see for myself what it is I think and feel…

no title…

Posted in confused, personality, randomness on October 13, 2007 by Phil Alcorn

Ok, so I want to make a post… BUT I don’t know what to write…
There are a lot of things I COULD write about… There are some things I WANT to write about… There are some things I SHOULD write about… The problem is that what I want to write about, I shouldn’t. And what I should write about, I don’t want to.

So, instead, I’m trying something different. I’m just writing. Plain and simple, this post is just me. Writing. I have no idea whats going to come out of it, I have no idea if it will amount to any more than even the next paragraph. We’ll see. Apparantly the great literary genius that is J. R. R. Tolkien sat down one day to pen a great war story, a story about the horrors and adventures of World War One… BUT he didn’t know what to write. So he just started writing. And thus, Bilbo Baggins was created, and with him one of the most famous stories in the literary world.

I don’t presume I will do anything like that. But I guess, deep inside, I’m hoping that a bit of my heart will come out in this writing… because it hasn’t been planned. I hadn’t thought about what I’m writing before I clicked on the ‘create new post’ button. I haven’t thought about it now. But that means that what I’m writing now isn’t just me being honest… it’s unrehearsed honesty.

I’ve had a tough week…

There is a world of emotions swirling inside my chest that wants to explode out of my fingers, through the keyboard and onto the screen… thats what I WANT to write about…
There is a mountain of thoughts floating around my head coming from a conversation I had over lunch with a friend on thursday… thats what I SHOULD write about…
But I guess, what I’m discovering more and more is that the things I SHOULD write about, are best saved for a time when I’m READY to write them. And the things I WANT to write about, are maybe best saved inside myself, not to be released to the public.

Because thats the thing with thoughts and emotions…
An idea, a thought, can change the world… but if it is raw, if it is unrefined, if it is unplanned and haphazard… it could just be swept away with all the other ideals and revolutions of the past. I mean, probably the most radical ideas known to man, the teachings of Jesus Christ, were not unplanned, were not unrefined… radical as they were, they were firmly based.
And emotions, feelings, can touch the soul… but if they are thoughtlessly revealed to the public, they can stir up the wrong emotions in others. People end up swept away in the moment, or people end up hurt…

So how DOES one be reserved yet open? How can you be a radical, but well planned? HOW can I achieve… when I don’t even know what I wish to achieve.

To be perfectly perfectly honest, I just want to get away for a few days. It’s all too much, too soon…
But by the same regard, I’m happier knowing the truth than I am languishing under false ideas…

My thoughts need worked through. My emotions need resolved. And these two issues, poles apart though they may be, need settled. Unfortunately, I know the answer isn’t going to be an easy ride…

favourite person…

Posted in christianity, community, friends, personality, randomness on October 11, 2007 by Phil Alcorn

I just went onto youtube to have a look at a funny video I’d been told about, but instead on the homepage I came across a video title that spiked my interest. It was called ‘are you anybody’s favourite person?’, and was a vlog about a girl who had just seen the movie short ‘Are You The Favourite Person Of Anybody?’. She was trying to think if she was anybody’s favourite person, and had come to the conclusion that she wasn’t. Have a look at the two videos there, they kinda set up what I’m about to say…

Needless to say, this got my thinking the same question about myself… am I anybody’s favourite person? I mean, even now, while I think about it, part of me doesn’t think it’s important, but part of me does… Thinking about it, out of my whole life, all the people I’ve met and interacted with, would I actually be anybody’s favourite person?
To be perfectly honest, I don’t think I would be. With the whole span of someones life, I’m fairly confident that all the people I have met would have had time to meet someone far better than me in their lives…

I’ve just caught myself on before I go and list things about myself negatively… that isn’t what this is about. I like myself, most of the time. Yes, there are things about myself I’m not happy with. Yes, I’ve made a LOT of mistakes in the past. Yes, I’ve hurt a lot of people. But I’m also fairly confident I’ve had a good impact on people too. And I also happen to like who God is shaping me to be.

All that being said, I still can’t think of anybody that would see me as their favourite person. But thinking more about it (seeing as I’m writing this blog less than 5 minutes after I viewed those videos) I don’t think it actually matters. Sure, I may not be anybody’s favourite person… does that mean I should stop being who I am? Does that mean I should stop trying to love people as God loves them? Does that mean I’ve failed?
No, I don’t think it does… I think it means that I can’t see the impact I have made on people. The reason I don’t think I’m anyone’s favourite person is because I can’t think of anyone who I have made a positive enough impact on the life of, that they would call me their favourite person.

Take, for instance, me thinking of MY favourite person… Taking into account all of my life, all my experiences… I honestly can’t narrow it down to one person. There are favourite people dotted along the way, people who have been major influences and favourites at different stages and different times… even thinking about right now, over the past year… even thinking about the course of a DAY, favourite people can change, as new experoences are made and people are used in your life for certain experiences at certain times… some people make an impact, and then fade away into the recesses of memory. That doesn’t make the impact they had on me any less significant, any less important. Doesn’t make them any less of a favourite. Some people have just always been there, helping me grow, teaching me things, laughing and crying with me, sharing the banter and the struggles… they are all favourites in their own right. Some people are new, and who knows what time holds… but experiences are shared, and new favourites are born, joining the ranks of the hundreds already present.

And the crazy thing is, these masses of favourite people probably have no idea how much of a favourite each of them are to me. Because I simply haven’t told them, I guess… perhaps I should, the ones I can still tell…

As for people who are now gone, from life, or merely from MY life, I’m sure they have gone having no idea how much they impacted me, shaped me… how God used them to make and mould me into the guy I am. But they are no less my favourite people…

So in conclusion, for this has indeed been a somewhat unorganised ramble through my thoughts, I may not be anybody’s favourite person, that I can think of… but whether I am or not, it doesn’t really matter. My life is no less significant for it. And even I don’t know the impact I have made on others, as others don’t know the impact they have made on me. I guess the important thing is not to worry about if you’re somebody else’s favourite person or not… it’s to make sure you love those around you, regardless. Because y’know what? Love has no favourites.

darn… and yay…

Posted in CU, friends, personality on September 6, 2007 by Phil Alcorn

I thought I was being uber nerdy the other day by making a post from my phone… but seemingly it didn’t work!! Darn…

Anyways, I was trying to say that I was going to be away for a few days… but as it didn’t work I’ve now just appeared like a lazy unposting kinda fool… ah well…
So, anyway, I was away at the CU preterm in Castlewellan castle – it was AWESOME! Made great new friends (including the faders and the stroking guys…), and learned a lot… Really got me thinking too…

I know now that I’m actually ok the way I am… I don’t need to worry about things I don’t like about myself… I know that I am being changed and renewed daily by God, and the things I feel I need or that I am missing will come with His timing. I don’t need to feel like I need to change myself to make people like me, all I need is to be myself… and perhaps I’m not such a bad guy after all…

I was also reassured that we’re headed in the right direction with the CU… All the speakers at preterm, whether they knew of our plans or not, spoke about the greatest commandments in their talks. This was also the theme pretty much of our plans for the year at CU. It came up numerous times in our planning, and we based our thinking around it in choosing topics and passages to deal with. God really reassured me with that, I believe we’re setting off in the right direction!!

Thirdly, I leared a bit about where my heart lies… but that deserves a post in itself. Be expecting one soon…