Whispers of my soul, this night…

Posted in Uncategorized on July 14, 2010 by Phil Alcorn

Time will not slow down…
Second by second, the moments tick away
Drawing me ever nearer
Nearer to that which terrifies me.

What am I?
I’m nothing but a small boy
A small boy lost in the woods
A small boy stumbling blindly along

Only You can guide me
You, and only You, have ever been the One to pull me through
I throw myself at Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet

I’m nothing but a small boy
Lost, and alone, and afraid
Afraid of that which is stalking me
Which threatens to crush and consume me

But Daddy, on Your shoulders I ride tall
In Your arms I am secure
In Your grace I am free
And in Your love I am found

Please, be my shield once more
I cannot face these trials alone
I am nothing but a small boy
But in You, I shall overcome
In You, and You alone
I am at peace

My whisper in the dark…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 8, 2010 by Phil Alcorn

I get scared sometimes…
Scared that you don’t really know me…
Scared that you don’t really know ME.
The me that I know.

And it does, it terrifies me…
Because I can feel it, that I’m not good enough.
How can I possibly be what you want,
When I’m so far from what you expected.

I’ve let you down so many times…
In ways I know you’d never admit.
And I am sorry, I am…
I’m sorry that I haven’t worked harder for you.

Because you, you are so good!
So perfect and so pure…
And when I’m with you, truely with you,
I find myself at peace.

And I find I love you more and more…
When I see you look at me, and love me…
A love I know I don’t deserve…
It saves me from myself.

But the insecurities, they tear at my soul…
Tear my confidence to shreds…
And I’m frightened, oh so frightened,
Of losing this love I have found.

Please forgive this pilgrim,
For crying out in the night.
But I cannot hide behind a mask,
For this is who I am.

A broken man.
Insecure.
Afraid.
And in love.

Please help me find that peace again.
The peace I feel when I look into your eyes,
And know that you see me.
That you see me, and still choose me and love me.

Lord God, eternal YHWH…
Please guide me…
Grant me refuge and peace…
Grant it to us and guide us, in your wisdom.

I hope you know how I love you…

Davie…

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2009 by Phil Alcorn

This will be a short post. I have much to say, about Bosnia and what God told me there. But for now, I just wanted to share this.

I met Davie today. Davie, of Davie and Cliff. I never ever knew Cliff as a part of Davie and Cliff, I just knew him as Cliff. I knew he had once had a friend called Davie, who was now gone, for various reasons. I knew about Davie, I was told about him, who he was and what he was like. I was told about the friendship he and Cliff shared. But Davie disappeared for a while. A long while. But I met him today. Really randomly… God was involved.

We talked for a while. He told me about himself. We talked about Cliff. And as I went to leave, he stopped me. He pulled me back to him, and took my hand. And he told me he wanted to pray with me. And he did so.

I didn’t just meet Davie today. I met Jesus too.

My friend…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 16, 2009 by Phil Alcorn

Cliff… I want to write so much more about him than this blog would ever afford me. I want to write, because I never want to forget… never. I never want to forget the lessons I learned from this wee Belfast man… the lessons about love, about hope, about struggle and addiction and humility and friendship and fellowship and joy and sadness and life…

And I don’t want to have to explain who Cliff is… I don’t want to have to give a background, name the date and place and circumstances in which we met. Because, to be honest, most of the few people who read this blog knew and loved him, and  no words that I can say about my relationship with him can or indeed should change who he was to you.

And I miss him. I really do. I miss seeing his toothy smile as he laughed with friends… I miss listening to him making up lyrics to songs he loved but didn’t quite remember. I miss having him tell me to look after the girls, to make sure they got home safe, to look out for their safety… I miss looking into those eyes, and seeing love look back out at me… I miss giving him a hug goodbye and feeling his leather jacket as I gave him the manly pat on the back…

Cliff’s hope and his existence were found in a bottle, when first we met. This man, who had done so much already in his life, who had studied, worked, married, had children, been involved in his church… this man who, due to various events and circumstances, had found himself on the streets of Belfast, was leading out his existence through booze and ciggarettes. And I doubt he ever thought it possible that he would touch the hearts of so many. This man, who caught a glimpse of love in action… who caught a glimpse of God in action, of God’s kingdom working… this wee man, who caught a glimpse of hope and dared to go after it… this man, uncle cliff, taught me about love. Taught me about hope. Taught me about humility. He taught me about grace, and showed me even the smallest glimpse of what can happen in this city.

Cliff was my friend. And it hurts, it really does hurt not being able to see him. It hurts, knowing that only when I follow where he has gone, will we likely see one another again. It hurts me… to know that my friend is gone from this earth. To know that no new memories will be made…

But I thank God, I praise Him for the time He granted us… for the time He blessed me and my friends with having our dear uncle cliff with us. For the lessons God used him to teach me… for the way God worked in mighty ways in and through my friend, even when he couldn’t see it. Thank you Lord for those times… thank you Lord for the memories, the precious memories that become all the more priceless in the knowledge that they now hold and represent this man that we loved so much… this man that You created, designed, used, and loved, deeply and passionately loved… this wee man from the streets of Belfast who became our friend, our brother, our family. Thank you, thank you Lord for Cliff. And please take good care of Him God… I miss him.

It’s just not ok… and it never has been

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2009 by Phil Alcorn

I was in the middle of a post to go here, and I had to stop. It just wasn’t coming across clearly, and I think I need time to process it some more before I go making any statements.

But for now, I will say this. I met with a friend tonight. And we were awoken to what we, the Christian church in the west, and particularly in Northern Ireland, have become. We, Christ’s followers, have become so afraid of offending people, even each other, that we won’t even do each other the loving service of calling each other up on behaviour that is unGodly and not right. Behaviour that I have witnessed so many times even over the past 2 weeks… behaviour and statements and speech and attitudes which are not only not promoting God’s kingdom here on earth, but actually paint Christ in a bad light! And I have taken part in these times, these failings. Even, even things as seemingly simple as struggling with our Bible study, prayer times, and so on, we will justify to each other with soothing statements like ‘It’s ok, everyone struggles with that’… which is true, but that doesn’t make it ok to just accept and go on with a mediocre attempt at reading and praying!

I mean, look at whats at stake!! Do we even believe the message we bring?? If we did, would we not fight for EVERY soul, for EVERY person we met who didn’t know Christ!? Would we not lovingly call each other to account on things we do which are not ok, which damage the kingdom?! Would we not laugh at the idea of remaining silent to adhere to ‘political correctness?! This life, these things are SERIOUS guys!! Yes, it’s ok to have struggles, and yes, we all have them… but it is NOT OK to sit back and use that as an excuse not to change!!! God is just WAITING to bless us if we would only wake up and hold each other accountable, wake up and realise that some things are worth fighting for, worth being ridiculed for, even worth putting friendships on the line for!!

I realise I have rambled on and said more than I intended to. Be assured, I will be thinking more on this issue and making a more coherant post sometime soon… because these things are NOT OK, and please dear God let us act on them even now!!

I leave you with one final thought that chilled me to my very core… chilled me because not only did hearing it out loud make me realise how awful and how big a danger this statement is, but also that I myself am guilty of it, even now… it is a statement my friend made to me this evening as we discussed things…

‘She told me that she genuinely feared that if, in 5 years time, she lost her faith, her Christian friends here in Northern Ireland wouldn’t even breach the issue with her for fear of being too controversial…’

Ponderings…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 17, 2009 by Phil Alcorn

So, check me out. I write to you now from my iPod, the first time I think I have officially done so… and part of me feels like the biggest need ever for having a blogging app on my iPod. It’s now been a little over two months since I last posted a draft… And while it seems like so much has happened, it also oddly feels like not much has happened at all…

It is three months, almost to the day, since Cliff’s funeral. A full quarter of a year. And part of me feels so disturbed by how UNdisturbed I sometimes am by that fact. Three months have gone by, and life has gone on with them. And I find myself wondering, am I any different?

The past three months have seen their own changes too. I now find myself with nothing left between me and graduation but two exams. And yes, occassionally I fear to have my four years at Queens defined by a single slip of paper I will receive at the end of it all… but that is a post for another day. For now, I find myself marvelling at how fast my time here has gone… All the things I always said I’d be around to doing, all the friends I have made, the people I have fallen out of touch with, the lessons I have learned and mistakes I have made… And it strikes me, I don’t think I’m ready for all that to be over. Much as I know the next chapter of my life is charging down upon me, I’m not ready to leave this chapter yet. I have too many things still to do, to many relationships still to invest in, too many goals to achieve…

But perhaps I’m just being naive… Let’s face it, even if the next chapter WEREN’T approaching fast, there are still opportunities it looks like I’m never going to get a chance at again…

A little of the past three weeks…

Posted in christianity, community, Foy Vance, friends, Queens, rain with tags , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2009 by Phil Alcorn

Three weeks ago, my friend was found dead in his living room. He was found by other friends of mine.

It was Valentines day. I had been out in Carrickfergus helping at an International Students event when I got the message. Standing outside the gates of Carrickfergus castle, I got the message that would change a part of me forever. At 14:22:09 on Saturday 14th February 2009, the message came in.

“Phil. Cliff is Dead.”

I called right back, not wanting to believe it. The chill had already taken a hold of me, and part of me knew it was true. The friend who sent me that message does not joke about such awful things.

The next hour or two were a blur. I wanted, of how I wanted to leave… but I had come on a bus full of International students… there was no way to get back to Belfast until the trip was over. I walked around the castle on the tour, half in a daze. The weather reflected my feelings – grey and cold… a fewspittles of rain coming down, almost as if the clouds weren’t sure what it was they were trying to do.

I remember phoning my Dad… it was my Nana’s birthday, I was meant to be going home for a birthday dinner. I didn’t go home… I went to my friends house once I got back to Belfast. She had been there, she had been one of the ones to find him. I went to see how she was… other friends came round. It was an alien day…

Cliff was my friend. Our birthdays were on the same day… only two days after the day he was found. He was only two days off his 55th birthday.

Cliff taught me so many lessons about life. Lessons about how to love, how to care… how to look out for others, how to laugh in spite of a situation… he shared my musical tastes, he taught me about humility and gentleness, he showed me that everyone has a story, and that everyone, EVERYONE, has worth. Cliff changed me. God used Cliff to change and guide me.

A good friend asked me a few days after that day how everything that had happened fit into my perception of hope. He said that my last serious blog post had been titled ‘Hope, still under examination‘. And it is, it is still under examination. Foy Vance sang a song called ‘Two shades of hope”, and in it he sings a line that I never really understood.

“Hope deals the hardest blows…”

It is the final track on an album titled ‘Hope’. At the time I heard it, I thought I had an idea what he was getting at… but it wasnt until the past few weeks when I think it has really hit home. There were so many things I hoped for, so many things I still hope for. I hoped that one day, Cliff would trust in God to save him. I hoped he would do his body a favour and lay off the drink and the fags. I had hoped to share our birthdays together in celebration, to sing elvis songs with him again loudly and badly. I had hoped he could come to church with me some day, and maybe even help me out in a talk for the youth. I hope that, one day, I will see him again in heaven. I hope that his family will be comforted during this time and the times to come. I hope Cliffs memory and his story will inspire those who knew him to be ever more loving and caring to those they meet, and will even inspire those who never met him.

And I think Foy is right. By itself, hope can deal the hardest blows. I can hope for these things, but during the initial stages after Cliffs death, I was struggling under the uncertainty of it all. I mean, the very definition of hope implies that the outcome is ultimately unknown. And I didn’t know how to face that… how to face the prospect that despite all my hopes, they may never come to fruition. I mean, some of them haven’t come to fruition. I never got to share my birthday party with Cliff. I never got to sing Elvis with him again. He never did give up on the booze or the fags…

But is this where I have made my mistake? In focusing on hope, have I lost focus on the other two remaining graces? Faith, and love? If I had true love, would I not have made more of an effort to do everything in my power to reunite Cliff with his maker? If I had true love, would I not understand that God’s decisions are perfectly just, and that events that happen on this earth will be used in perfect love to help us grow, learn, and come closer to our Father? If I had true faith, would I not be able to hope without the need for clarification, without the need for certainty?

Even things like the news last night, that an attack was made on an army base in Antrim, resulting in the death of 2 soldiers and serious injury of others including civilians. The real IRA have claimed responsibility, and the gunmen went so far as to fire at the downed victims even as they lay on the ground. Talking to friends, many of them are fearful that it will spark a return to the ‘old days’, that retaliation will spark retaliation and it will all become out of hand once more. Is the hope that our country could have peace enough?

God has been teaching me a lot recently. I believe He has more in store for our wee country than we expect. And I believe that whatever happens, God is not done with us yet. And after the past few weeks, I know that this hope is enough for me. This hope IS enough, because I know that despite the terrible things that go on around us, God is good. I have faith that although I never understand WHY things happen the way they happen, that God still loves us, and loves us perfectly. And so I will try and learn from His love. I will hold onto the lessons He is teaching me, and hold onto the lessons He used Cliff to teach me. And I will hold onto the hope that I will see my friend Cliff once more.

Cliff was a special friend. He grew up in a ‘church family’. He became a Christian as a younger man, and became heavily involved in his church. When I met him, he was living on the streets, was addicted to alcohol and ciggarettes, and never revealed to me that he had ever at any stage made any sort of committment to God. But this wee Belfast man taught me truths about love and care and humility, and even God, that I will never forget. I miss you, Cliff. And I love you. And I hope that one day, we will sing again together in the company of our Father. I will wait for that day, our Kid… have your best singing voice ready…

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